Easy Money
by Iphigenia1
Summary: A songfic concerning the Harry Potter series' most neglected character--Ludo Bagman.


A/N: This is a rather pointless piece of invective that just came to my mind one afternoon on my way to Italian class while li

A/N: This is a rather pointless piece of invective that just came to my mind one afternoon on my way to Italian class while listening to a Billy Joel tape. Billy Joel owns "Easy Money", and J.K. Rowling owns the rest.

Easy Money

~Iphi~

Halfway between Michaelmas and the Christmas Holidays, Harry, Ron, and Hermione were celebrating one of their rare and precious Hogsmeade visits with butterbeers in The Three Broomsticks when they had an unexpected visitor.

"Hey, Harry," Ron said, looking up. "Isn't that Ludo Bagman walking towards us?"

Harry turned and saw the slightly pudgy beater in his yellow robes striding towards them, a huge goofy smile on his face. "Oh, no," he muttered. "Hide, quick!"

"Too late," moaned Hermione, as Ludo gave them a huge wave and a thumbs-up. "He's seen us, and he's coming right for us."

"Harry!" Ludo said enthusiastically, slapping him on the back. Harry choked on his butterbeer, and glared at him, coughing. 

"Mr. Bagman," he said menacingly, after he had caught his breath. "I thought that you were in hiding."

"In hiding?" Ludo said innocently, his eyes as wide as a child. "Why would I be in hiding?"

"From the goblins," Hermione said impatiently.

"Oh, _that_," Bagman said knowingly. "Ah, yes. No, I've worked that whole situation out."

"And what about your…your gambling problem?" Ron asked, vividly remembering Fred and George's frustration.

"A problem? Who said it was a problem?" Ludo asked.

"Well—" Harry began, but was soon cut off.

"My friends, I have something to tell you that you certainly need to hear," Ludo said.

And with a flick of his wand, music seemed to flow from the very walls. It was an upbeat tempo with a saxophone taking center stage in the melody. He waved his wand again and all the lights were dimmed, save a spotlight on himself. Behind him were suddenly three women in sequined dresses swaying to the beat.

"Hey, isn't that…?" Ron sputtered.

"It's McGonagall and Rita Skeeter," Hermione said, her eyes wide, almost choking with surprise.

"And Rosmerta," Harry added. They motioned towards each other, whispering back and forth about the strange set of circumstances.

But they were silenced when Ludo Bagman began to sing.
    
     
    
    _"__You don't have to talk all night_
    
    _I'm a man who can't say no_
    
    _You don't have to twist my arm_
    
    _Just point me where you want to go_
    
    _ _
    
    _Take me to the action_
    
    _Take me to the track_
    
    _Take me to a party if they're bettin' in the back."_
    
     
    
    "Well, we knew that," Ron said in an obvious tone of voice. "My dad told me about this incident a few
    
     years back when…"
    
     
    
    "I want to hear him!" Hermione said, shushing him.
    
     
    
    "Why?" Harry asked.
    
     
    
    Meanwhile, Ludo continued.
    
     
    
    _"I've been working all my life_
    
    _Can't afford to wait_
    
    _Let me call my wife so I can tell her I'll be late."_
    
     
    
    "I would have thought his wife had left him by now," Hermione said practically. 
    
    "What with the debts and all."
    
     
    
    Ludo didn't hear her, and was still singing.
    
     
    
    _"I want the easy_
    
    _Easy money_
    
    _Easy money_
    
    _I could get lucky_
    
    _Oh, things could go right…"_
    
     
    
    The background singers then sang, "Whoa oh oh oh."
    
     
    
    "I wonder how long Professor McGonagall has been singing backup?" 
    
    Ron wanted to know. Nobody answered him.
    
     
    
    _"I want the easy_
    
    _Easy money_
    
    _Easy money_
    
    _Maybe this one time_
    
    _Maybe tonight."_
    
     
    
    "Really," Harry said in a clinical tone of voice. "That's what all gamblers tell 
    
    themselves. It's a delusion that they just keep believing because they…"
    
     
    
    Ludo cut him off:
    
     
    
    _"You don't have to try too hard_
    
    _I don't need a song and dance…"_
    
     
    
    "Then why are you subjecting us to one?" Ron asked rhetorically.
    
     
    
    "_I don't need an invitation_
    
    _If you've got a game of chance _
    
    _ _
    
    _Take me to the tables_
    
    _Take me to the fights_
    
    _Run me like the numbers_
    
    _Roll me like the dice_
    
    _ _
    
    _When you're counting on a killing_
    
    _Always count me in_
    
    _Talk me into losin' just as long as I can win."_
    
     
    
     
    
    "And that," Hermione stated triumphantly, "is how casinos lure in all their 
    
    customers. Sometimes I just hate capitalism!" Everyone stared blankly at her.
    
     
    
    "But Hermione," Harry said, "England is a socialist state."
    
     
    
    Right in front of them, Ludo was still singing:
    
     
    
    _"I want the easy_
    
    _Easy money_
    
    _Easy money_
    
    _I want the good times_
    
    _Oh, I never had_
    
     
    
    McGonagall, Rita Skeeter, and Rosmerta then added their "Whoa oh oh oh."
    
     
    
    "Does this strike anyone else as weird?" Ron asked.
    
     
    
    _"I want the easy_
    
    _Easy money_
    
    _I want the good life_
    
    _I want it bad._
    
    _ _
    
    _ Easy money_
    
    _You say I fool myself_
    
    _But better me than being a fool for someone else."_
    
     
    
    "That's a really bad excuse," Harry pointed out.
    
     
    
    _"I got a hot slot machine of a system_
    
    _Ready to go_
    
    _ _
    
    _Easy money_
    
    _I got a one-track mind_
    
    _And a good reputation laying on the line_
    
    _I'll either come back a bum or a king_
    
    _Baby I don't know."_
    
     
    
    "We know!" Ron yelled out. "And it's the bum one. In fact, you're already a bum."
    
     
    
    "Ron," Hermione chided. "He'll hear you."
    
     
    
    "And your point is?"
    
     
    
    _"You don't have to start a fight_
    
    _I'm a man who can't say no_
    
    _If you've got a little risky business_
    
    _Just point me where you want to go."_
    
     
    
    "I think the door is that way," Harry said, pointing.
    
     
    
    _"Take me to the power_
    
    _Take me to the heat_
    
    _Take me to the cleaners_
    
    _If it's open to the street_
    
    _ _
    
    _Something's got to pay off_
    
    _Something's got to break_
    
    _Someone's got a fortune that they're begging_
    
    _Me to take."_
    
     
    
    "No, they don't," Hermione said in the tone of a mother to a small child. "No, they don't."
    
     
    
    _"I want the easy_
    
    _Easy money_
    
    _Easy money_
    
    _I could get lucky_
    
    _Things could go right."_
    
     
    
    "Whoa oh oh oh."
    
     
    
    "Does anyone else find this a little demeaning?" Hermione asked, gesturing towards the background singers.
    
     
    
    _"I want the easy_
    
    _Easy money_
    
    _Easy money_
    
    _Maybe just this time_
    
    _Oh maybe tonight_
    
     
    
    _Easy money_
    
    _Oh I don't want no hard cash_
    
    _I just want the easy money_
    
    _I could get lucky…"_
    
     
    
    Just as suddenly as it had begun, the music ended. The backup singers dissipated 
    
    to their own corners of the room, their dresses gone, and Ludo Bagman looked 
    
    at the three fifth-years with expectation.
    
     
    
    "Do you understand now?" he asked them.
    
     
    
    "Yeah, we understand," Ron murmured. "We understand you're a loony." Hermione 
    
    nudged him and he begrudgingly nodded his head towards Bagman.
    
     
    
    "Good. Well, I'm off to the races!" Ludo said, slapping Harry on the shoulder again.
    
     Harry winced. "Wish me luck."
    
     
    
    "Sure thing," the three said without much conviction, and then went back to drinking 
    
    their butterbeers.
    
     
    
    "Why is it that strange things always seem to happen to me?" Harry asked, and nobody 
    
    answered. Nobody could.****
    
    ** **
    
    ** **
    
     
    
     
    
     
    
     
    
    ** **
    
    ** **


End file.
